Chapter 4
Keeping Contact with Kinship
40005: Ruling on upholding ties with one's mother
and siblings through breastfeeding
Question:
I have a mother and siblings through
breastfeeding (radaa'ah). Do I have to uphold ties with them and
visit them as I visit my mother and siblings through blood
ties? I used to visit them, then it was said to me that I do
not have to do that, and I am confused about that.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
The shar'i rulings concerning relationships
through breastfeeding are not the same as the rulings
concerning relationships through blood ties. Breastfeeding
(radaa'ah) does not mean that one is obliged to spend on
those relatives, or that one is entitled to inherit from them,
or that one may be a guardian for the purpose of marriage
_ unlike the case with ties of blood.
What they have in common is that people related in
either way are forbidden to marry, and may look at one
another and be alone with one another, and are regarded
as mahrams for the purpose of travel.
This is the wisdom of sharee'ah, because Islam
cannot give a mother who breastfed a child five times the
same rights as the mother who carried him, gave birth to
him, breastfed him and brought him up, and is the reason
for the child's existence. Can the love, compassion
and devotion in the heart of the blood mother be likened
to that in the heart of the mother through breastfeeding?
There are verses of the Qur'aan which refer to that.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and
good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness
and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his
weaning is in two years"
[Luqmaan 31:14]
And Allaah says, after commanding the child to treat
his parents well and forbidding him to do the slightest act
of disobedience towards them (interpretation of
the meaning):
"and say: `My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as
they did bring me up when I was young'"
[al-Isra' 17:24]
Hence some of the scholars said that a son
through breastfeeding has to respect and honour his mother
and his parents through breastfeeding, but he does not
have to honour them and uphold ties with them in the
same way as a son is obliged to honour his parents and
relatives by blood.
There are several da'eef (weak) ahaadeeth on this
topic, which we will mention here so that people may be
aware of them.
1 _ It was narrated that al-Tufayl (may Allaah be
pleased with him) said: I saw the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) sharing out some meat in al-Ji'raanah, when a woman came up to the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and he spread
out her cloak for her, and she sat down on it. I said, "Who
is she?" They said, "This is his mother who breastfed him."
Narrated by Abu Dawood, 5144; classed as da'eef by
al-Albaani in Da'eef Abi Dawood, 1102.
Ibn Hibbaan (10/44) included this hadeeth in a
chapter which he called, "Ways in which it is recommended for
a person to honour the one who breastfed him when he
was small."
2 _ It was narrated from `Umar ibn al-Saa'ib that he
heard that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) was sitting when his father
through breastfeeding came to him; he spread part of his
cloak for him and he sat on it. Then his mother
through breastfeeding came to him and he spread part of his
cloak on the other side and she sat on it. Then his brother
through breastfeeding came and the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) stood up for
him and made him sit in front of him.
Narrated by Abu Dawood, 5145; classed as da'eef by
al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Da'eefah, 1120.
3 _ It was narrated from Hajjaaj ibn Hajjaaj
al-Aslami that his father asked the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him): "O Messenger of Allaah, how can
I repay the favour of breastfeeding?" He said: "(By
giving) a male or female slave."
Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1153; al-Nasaa'i, 3329;
Abu Dawood, 2064. Classed as da'eef by al-Albaani in
Da'eef Abi Dawood, 445.
Al-Suyooti said in Sharh al-Nasaa'i, 6/108.
What is meant by repaying the favour of breastfeeding
is the duties that are owed as a result of having
been breastfed. It is as if he is asking, How can I waive
the duties I owe as a result of having been breastfed so that
I will have paid them off in full? They used to regard it
as something good to give a gift to the wet nurse once
the child had been weaned, other the wages that had be
agreed upon. End quote.
4 _ The biographers said that when the captive woman
of Hawaazin had been gathered together, their
spokesman Zuhayr ibn Sard came and said: "O Messenger of
Allaah, inside the enclosure are your mothers, your maternal
aunts and your nursemaids. Do us a favour (and free us),
may Allaah bless you."
These ahaadeeth speak of honouring and
respecting, which are Islamic manners that are encouraged with
regard to all Muslims. This is the reason why the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) set them all free.
Al-Bidaayah wa'l-Nihaayah, 4/419
And Allaah knows best.
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14630: Rights of brothers and sisters
Question:
What are the rights of brothers, sisters and parents on
the man at the time .
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah. Brothers and sisters are among
the relatives with whom Islam commands us to uphold ties.
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: "Allaah says: `I am al-Rahmaan
(the Most Merciful) and this rahm (tie of kinship) has a
name that is derived from My name. Whoever uphold it, I
will take care of him, and whoever severs it, I will cut
him off.'"
(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1907; Abu Dawood,
1694; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in
al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 520).
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said: "Whoever would like his lifespan to
be extended and his provision to be increased, let him
uphold the ties of kinship."
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 1961; Muslim, 2557)
Among the rights that they share with other
Muslims, except that their rights are stronger, are: that you
should greet them with salaam when you meet them; you
should accept their invitation when they invite you; you
should say "Yarhamukum Allaah (may Allaah have mercy on
you) if they sneeze; you should visit them if they fall sick;
you should attend their funeral if they die; you should go
along with them if they swear that you should do
something; you should advise them sincerely if they seek your
advice; you should not backbite about them in their absence;
you should love for them what you love for yourself and
hate for them what you hate for yourself. All of that is
narrated in saheeh ahaadeeth.
Their rights also include: that you should not harm any
of them in word or deed. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The Muslim is the one
from whose tongue and hand the Muslims are safe."
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 10; Muslim, 40). And he (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, in a lengthy
hadeeth in which he enjoined a number of virtues, "… If
you cannot do that, then leave people alone (and do not
offend them), for that is an act of charity that you do for
yourself." (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 2382; Muslim, 84).
With regard to parents' rights, we have explained
the mother's rights over her children in the answer to
question number 5053
And Allaah knows best.
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11934: His Muslim wife's relatives are kaafirs who
mistreat her
Question:
Me and my wife are in a delemma about our
relatives. We both are the only muslims in among our families.
I'm in very close family they are there when you
need help they're very supportive of me. My wife family
isn't close to her at all nor are they close to our kids.My
wife brothers talks to her as she are garbage, they cheat
her out of her money by telling her lies of deciet, they
drink, and commit adultery, and her sisters on the other
hand threaten her a lot by calling "DCFS," they call her
liers about everything, they disregard everything she say,
and they have gatherings and she's not invited, and they
all hate Islam and talks negative about it.Where do draw
the line and say enough is enough. I know Islam teaches
us to be kind to our family members but how do you
deal with family that don't respect you and criticize you
all the time. My wife get angry at me when I tell her
about them, even though she knows how they are. What
makes me very angry is that my wife brothers say things to
her and she makes excuses for them about why they treat
her this way that if I were to say similar she would blow
the roof off the house,and if I asked them why they talk
to her that way she would accuse me of making fitna.
How do I deal with matter or how should she deal with
matter. please advise
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Praise Allaah that your family is closely-knit and that
you do not suffer the things that your wife suffers from
her family. Appreciating this blessing fully will make you
give thanks to your Lord and feel compassion for your
wife because of the state of affairs with her family. This
will motivate you to console her and stand beside her to
ward off mistreatment from her, and boost her morale
when she is faced with these attacks. Our advice to your wife
is to bear her family's mistreatment with patience and
to strive to call the individuals in her family who are
less evil and more open to accepting the truth. Then if
her kaafir family are causing her trouble, she can mix
with them less, and make her visits to them brief and for
a purpose. No Muslim is obliged to mix with kaafir
relatives if he cannot bear their mistreatment, but he should
strive to bear their mistreatment with patience and call them
to Islam.
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11757: Her husband will not let their children visit
their kaafir grandparents
Question:
My husband and my family do not get along, they are
not muslim, although I have invited them many times, nor
do they understand Islam. My husband wants to prevent
my parents from seeing my children because he feels
they have cursed Allah, although they have not done so. Is
this allowed?
Answer:
We asked our shaykh, Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih
al-`Uthaymeen, about a woman who says, my parents
are kaafirs and my husband will not let the children see
them. Does he have any right to do that?
He answered, may Allaah preserve him, as follows:
He does not have that right, but she should be tactful
with him. It should be said to the husband that if there is
no danger to the children's religious commitment, he
should not stop them (from seeing their grandparents). And
he can be on the safe side by going with his children
when they visit their grandparents.
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-`Uthaymeen (www.islam-qa.com)
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10132: He visits his aunt and problems arise as a result
Question:
Should I visit my (paternal) aunt, knowing that she
does not feel comfortable with me in her house, and after
every visit she causes endless problems? In order to
prevent further problems, I have decided not to visit her, but
I greet her with salaams whenever I see her.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
The purpose of visiting is to uphold the ties of
kinship and to strengthen the bonds (between family
members). If the visits only serve to drive people further apart,
then it is better not to visit, and to allow other means of
keeping in touch to suffice, such as phone calls and the like.
But it is better to strive to deal with the causes of
these feelings and problems with your aunt. (See also
Question #4631).
Shaykh Muhammad al-Duwaysh (www.islam-qa.com)
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10225: Is it permissible to attend family gatherings
in which bid'ah takes place?
Question:
When my family has any kind of occasion such as
a wedding, circumcision or funeral, in the weddings
and circumcision celebrations they use a drum and
make ululations of joy, and on the occasion of a death they
wail in an outrageous fashion. Should I go to these
gatherings or not, when they do these bid'ahs (innovations)?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
It is not permissible for you to go to a gathering in
which these evil actions take place, unless you are able to
change this bid'ah and advise them and teach them in a
goodly manner, so go to enjoin what is good and forbid what
is evil.
From Fataawaa al-Lajnah al-Daa'imah, 12/365 (www.islam-qa.com)
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7571: Suggestions as how to end the estrangement
between disputing relatives
Question:
My Uncle has told my mother that he doesn't want to
see our family ever again. What is our duty in this
position considering we did nothing to upset him or his family?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
You have to look for the reason, for it is not normal
for something like this to happen without a reason, but
that reason may be unknown to you. If you did not do
anything deliberate to upset him, then do not feel responsible
for what has happened and for his cutting off ties with
you. You have to be patient and treat him well even if
he mistreats you. Perhaps he will come back to you when
he sees your good attitude.
In many cases, this kind of rigid and harsh-hearted
attitude is temporary and does not last for long; it may stem
from a particular incident which made the person angry,
but when his anger has calmed down and some time
has passed, things go back to the way they were, or
close enough. Perhaps some extreme circumstances
coincided with a bad attitude, hatred or an inclination to
bear grudges, which resulted in a long-term estrangement.
In this case all parties concerned should be given time
to calm down gradually, so that the bad feelings may
be reduced; at the same time, the person who has cut off
ties of kinship should be reminded of the rights of his
relatives, what Allaah and His Messenger say on this matter,
and the stern warning issued to those who cut off ties
of kinship. If any of the parties involved have been
wronged, things must be put right as quickly as possible, and
there is nothing wrong with trying to heal the wounded
pride of the party that has been wronged, by apologizing
or getting together for the purpose of reconciliation, etc.,
as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"and adjust all matters of difference among you"
[al-Anfaal 8:1].
We hope that the one who undertakes to reconcile
between them will earn the reward mentioned in the
aayah (interpretation of the meaning);
"There is no good in most of their secret talks save
(in) him who orders Sadaqah (charity in Allaah's Cause),
or Ma`roof (Islamic Monotheism and all the good
and righteous deeds which Allaah has ordained), or conciliation between mankind; and he who does
this, seeking the good Pleasure of Allaah, We shall give him
a great reward" [al-Nisaa' 4:114]
Sometimes it may be better to avoid getting involved
in looking for a reconciliation until things have calmed
down and people are more likely to agree to open the issue
and listen to those who want to reconcile between them
and accept their suggestions.
We ask Allaah for guidance. Islam Q&A
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5158: Can he travel to a kaafir country for the sake
of upholding family ties?
Question:
What is the ruling about going to Visit Friends
and relatives in America?
(For the sake of Allah, not for the sake of play and
vain talk.).
Jazaka Allah Khayr.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
It is not permissible to travel to a kaafir country
except for a valid reason such as studying to acquire
knowledge or skills that are not available in a Muslim country, or
for medical treatment. But the traveller should have
sufficient religious commitment to protect him from temptation
and sufficient knowledge to protect him from doubts.
Keeping in touch with relatives and upholding the ties of
kinship can be achieved through lesser means; you can call
them by phone, or correspond with them in any fashion, or
send greetings and gifts, and so on. A person should not
expose himself to the risks of travelling to a kaafir country
and committing sin for the sake of something that may
be achieved through other means. And Allaah knows best.
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1426: Rulings on upholding the ties of kinship for females
Question:
my sister who has shahada is married to a man who
is not, at the time she didn;t know that he is haram for
her. My husband will not allow me to visit her home
because he is not muslim, it this allowed? I would just visit
her home when he is not there
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
There follow some details about the issue of
women upholding their ties of kinship, and what they should
do with husbands who prevent them from doing so.
Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory even
for females, who must uphold them as much as they
can. Therefore it is not permissible for a man to prevent
his wife or daughter from upholding her ties of kinship,
and if he stops her from visiting them, but he lets her
convey greetings to them, whether by letter or through a
third person, or send them gifts, then she should do that. It
is sufficient even if she only sends greetings without a
gift, but if she sends her greetings with a gift, that is better.
If he stops her from sending a gift but allows her to
send greetings, then she should send greetings. If he
allows her to send a gift but stops her from sending
greetings, then she should send a gift. If he allows her to go and
see them, then she should go. If he stops her from
doing anything that comes under the heading of upholding
ties of kinship, then there is no obedience to any created
being if it involves disobedience to the Creator. In this case
she should maintain her family ties in the way that is
least objectionable to her husband or father, whether it
is sending gifts or conveying greetings, and she can
conceal that if she is fearful. If her relatives are faced with
some hardship, she should help them with what they need,
even if he says not to. She should uphold her family ties
by offering condolences in the case of bereavement or
loss, and condolence means advising patience. She should
also congratulate them on joyful occasions, and
congratulating them means praying that they will enjoy to the
full whatever has brought them joy, and that it will not
be spoilt for them. Such joyful events include the return of
a traveller, a wedding, etc. She should not adorn herself
or display her adornment in front of those to whom
she should not show herself, such as cousins (sons of
maternal uncles or paternal uncles), and she should convey
her greetings to them from behind a barrier and
without making her voice soft, but this is only in cases
where there is no fear of fitnah, otherwise she may
convey greetings through a third party. She does not have to
attend funerals.
It is not permissible for the husband to stop his wife
from upholding the ties of kinship even if it involves her
going out, but she should not go out except with his
permission. The same applies to fathers. The wife should treat
her husband gently so that she will still be able to fulfil
her shar'i duty of upholding the ties of kinship. We ask
Allaah to put all our affairs in order.
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4631: Broken ties of kinship and relationships
Question:
What is the meaning of silat al-rahm (upholding the
ties of kinship)?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Islam calls for the upholding of the ties of kinship
because of the great effect that this has on achieving
social cohesion and perpetuating cooperation and love
among the Muslims. Upholding the ties of kinship is a
duty because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"… and fear Allaah through Whom you demand
your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of )
the wombs (kinship)…"
[al-Nisa' 4:1]
"And give to the kindred his due and to the
miskeen (poor)…"
[al-Isra' 17:26]
Allaah has warned us against cutting the ties of
kinship (interpretation of the meaning):
"And those who break the Covenant of Allaah, after
its ratification, and sever that which Allaah has
commanded to be joined (i.e., they sever the bond of kinship and
are not good to their relatives), and work mischief in the
land, on them is the curse (i.e., they will be far away
from Allaah's Mercy); And for them is the unhappy (evil)
home (i.e., Hell)." [al-Ra'd 13:26]
What punishment could be worse than the curse and
the evil home that awaits those who sever the ties of
kinship ? They deny themselves the reward for upholding the
ties of kinship in the Hereafter, in addition to
denying themselves much good in this world, which is a long
life and ample provision. The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"Whoever would like his rizq (provision) to be increased and
his life to be extended, should uphold the ties of
kinship." (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5986 and Muslim,
2557). Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
"The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) said: `Allaah created the universe, and
when He had finished, kinship (al-rahm) stood up and
said, "This is the standing up of one who seeks Your
protection from being cut off." Allaah said, "Yes, would it
please you if I were to take care of those who take care of
you and cut off those who cut you off?" It said, "Of
course." Allaah said, "Then your prayer in granted."'" The
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said,
"Recite, if you wish (interpretation of the meaning):
`Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in
the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they
whom Allaah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf
and blinded their sight.' [Muhammad 47:22-23]."
(Saheeh Muslim bi Sharh al-Nawawi, 16/112).
Once we understand this, we need to ask: who is the
one who upholds the ties of kinship? This was explained
by the Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) when he said: "The one who maintains a
relationship with his relatives only because they maintain a
relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship.
The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does
so even if they break off the relationship." (Reported by
al-Bukhaari, 5645).
If the relationship is merely one of returning favours
and giving like in return for like, and not taking the
initiative, then this is not upholding the ties of kinship, it is
only responding in kind. Some people follow the principle
of giving a gift in return for a gift, and visiting in return
for a visit, so if someone does not give them a gift, they
do not give him a gift, and if he does not visit them, they
do not visit him. This is not what is meant by upholding
the ties of kinship at all, and this is not what is required
by Islam. This is merely responding in kind, it is not
the higher degree which Islam urges us to reach. A man
said to the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him), "I have relatives with whom I try to
keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but
they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but
they insult me." The Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said, "If you are as you say, then it is as
if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allaah
will continue to support you as long as you continue to
do that." (Reported by Muslim with commentary by
al-Nawawi, 16/115). Who could bear to put up with hot
dust? We seek refuge with Allaah from cutting off the ties
of kindship.
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4428: Number of times a wife can visit her family
Question:
Sir my question is that how many times can a wife go
to her parents house in a week and what is the say of
husband in this matter. Thank-you.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Upholding family ties is obligatory, as Allaah
says (interpretation of the meaning):
"… fear Allaah through Whom you demand your
mutual (rights), and (and do not cut of the relations of) the
wombs (kinship)…" [al-Nisa' 4:1]
"And give to the kindred his due and to the poor…"
[al-Isra' 17:26]
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him)
reported that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said:
"Allaah created His creation, and when He had
finished, al-rahm (the tie of kinship) got up. He said, `What is
it?' Al-rahm said: "This is the position of one who is
seeking refuge with You from being cut off.' He said, `Will
you not be pleased if I should take care of the one who
takes care of you, and cut off the one who cuts you off?'
Al-rahm said, `Of course, O Lord.' He said, `Then it will
be so.'" Abu Hurayrah quoted (interpretation of
the meaning): "Would you then, if you were given
the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties
of kinship?" [Muhammad 47:22]. (Reported by
al-Bukhaari, 6948)
Upholding the ties of kinship means being kind to
one's relatives, whether by giving them material things
or treating them well. The least of this is greeting them
with salaam and not forsaking them.
There is no limit in sharee'ah to the number of times
a person should visit his or her relatives, because this
will differ according to people's circumstances, how busy
they are, how close or how far away they live, and
the circumstances, employment and other commitments
of the husband who is to bring his wife to visit her
family. Some wives live close to their own families, and
others may live in another city or country, all of which are
factors in the matter. But the husband should realize that it is
not permissible for him to deliberately prevent his wife
from visiting her family and upholding her ties of kinship
with them. By the same token, the wife should not exhaust
her husband with frequent trips and expenses that he
cannot bear. She should make requests of him commensurate
with his capabilities. We ask Allaah to put all our affairs
right. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
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2294: Visiting relatives who have a satellite dish in
their homes
Question:
A person regularly visits his relatives, but those
relatives have some evil things in their home, like a satellite
dish, even though they know it is haraam. Should he
stop visiting them or should he still visit them?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
If a person has relatives, then it is obligatory to
uphold the ties of kinship, even if they are not as one would
like them to be, because Allaah says (interpretation of
the meaning): "And We have enjoined on man (to be
dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in
weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and
his weaning is in two years _ give thanks unto Me and
to your parents, - unto Me is the final destination. But
if they (both) strive with you to make you join in
worship with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then
obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly…"
[Luqmaan 31:14-15]. He did not say "kill them", He
said, "but behave with them in the world kindly…"
Upholding the ties of kinship is obligatory even if
the relatives are not as one would like them to be. So
you must keep in touch with your relatives even if they
have this dish, which most people use to view haraam
things, waste their time and money, and corrupt their morals
and minds.
If they use the dish to watch haraam things when you
are present, then do not go to them so that you will not be
a partner in their sin, but still we advise people to
pay attention to their duties towards their relatives,
which include advising them, i.e., going to them and
explaining to them that this _ watching haraam things _ is
haraam. Then you will have done your duty of advising them
and treating them well.
(Liqa' al-Baab al-Maftooh by Ibn `Uthaymeen, 148).
The Muslim must also pay attention to his children
when they go to visit these relatives; he should not let
his children sit with them when they are watching
haraam things. The Muslim who is sincere can, if he is
smart, divert the relatives and others with some interesting
talk or useful activities to distract them from watching
these haraam things; he can strive to make other,
permissible forms of entertainment available (such as some
sports activities or games or useful computer games, etc.)
This will give the others an alternative to watching
haraam things, at least in part. We ask Allaah to reform us all,
for He is the Guide to the Straight Path.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)
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1398: Du'aa' for guidance of someone close
Question:
what would be a good du'a or ayah to recite if you
want Allah to open the heart of someone very close to you
to Islam?
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
The best thing to do in this situation is to pray for
guidance for that person. This is what the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did, as is reported in
a number of ahadeeth, such as the following:
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him)
reported that Tufayl ibn `Amr al-Dawsi and his companions
came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, Daws
have rebelled and disobeyed, so pray to Allaah against
them." People said, "Now Daws are doomed!" He said,
"O Allaah, guide Daws and bring them here."
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 2937).
Abu Hurayrah said: "I was calling my mother to
Islam, when she was still a mushrik. One day I called her
to Islam and she said something about the Messenger
of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
that upset me. I came to the Messenger of Allaah (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him), weeping, and said:
`O Messenger of Allaah, I was calling my mother to
Islam and she refused. Today I called her and she said
something about you that upset me. Pray to Allaah to guide the
mother of Abu Hurayrah.' So the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: `O
Allaah, guide the mother of Abu Hurayrah.' I left, feeling
hopeful because of the Prophet's prayer. When I got home, as
I came near to the door I saw it was ajar. My mother
heard my footsteps and said, `Stay where you are,
Abu Hurayrah!' I could hear the sound of water. She
washed herself, got dressed and put on her khimaar
(head covering). Then she opened the door and said, `O
Abu Hurayrah, I bear witness that there is no god except
Allaah, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His slave
and Messenger.' I went back to the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), weeping with
joy, and said, `O Messenger of Allaah, good news! Allaah
has answered your prayer and has guided the mother of
Abu Hurayrah.' He praised and thanked Allaah, and said,
`That is good.' I said, `O Messenger of Allaah, pray to Allaah
to make my mother and me dear to His believing
slaves, and to make them dear to us.' The Messenger of
Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said,
`O Allaah, make this slave of Yours (meaning Abu
Hurayrah) and his mother dear to Your believing slaves, and
make the believers dear to them.' There is no believer who
hears of me or sees me, but he loves me."
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4546).
Jaabir said: "They said, `O Messenger of Allaah, we
have suffered much from the arrows of Thaqeef (this was
when they were fighting, before they became Muslim), so
pray to Allaah against them.' He said, `O Allaah,
guide Thaqeef.'"
(Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said: this is a hasan
saheeh ghareeb hadeeth. Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 3877).
We ask Allaah the Most Generous, Lord of the
Mighty Throne, to guide your loved one to Islam soon, by
His Grace and Mercy. Allaah is the One Who guides to
the Straight Path.
Islam Q&A Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid (www.islam-qa.com)
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793: Dealing with hurtful relatives
Question:
This is regarding family matters and disputes.
I have a maternal uncle who creates alot of trouble
for my family. His wife and children have even went to
the limits of taking my mother to court, and falsely
bearing witness that she physically assaulted them and
threatened to kill them. There are numerous things they do, but,
my uncle after a few months fights with his children
and comes back and asks my mother for forgiveness.
She forgives him, and he starts pretending he is a
maskeen. But, he continues to support his children and wife
who hurt my mother numerously.
Anyway, I asked my mother, NOT to talk to him
anymore. She claims we have to forget and forgive. But, surely
there are limitations. Anyway, is it wrong to ask my
mother, not to associate with him anymore. Is it wrong for me
to continue to refuse to have anything to do with him or
his family. I DO NOT wish to forget or forgive,
especially, when there is no change in his behavior.
Any Advice is appreciated.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
If you want to deal with him on the basis of justice,
then it is permissible for you to respond in like to his
unkind words, as Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning): "And if you punish (your enemy), then punish them
with the like of that with which you were
afflicted…" [al-Nahl 16:126].
But if you bear it with patience, that will be better
for you, as Allaah says at the end of the same
aayah (interpretation of the meaning): "… But if you
endure patiently, verily, it is better for al-saabireen (the
patient ones)." [al-Nahl 16:126]
If you want to turn enmity into love, then treat him
well, if he treats you badly, as Allaah says (interpretation of
the meaning): "The good deed and the evil deed cannot
be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better, then
verily! He between whom and you there was enmity,
(will become) as though he was a close friend." [Fussilat 41:34]
The words, "The good deed and the evil deed cannot
be equal" mean that there is a huge difference between
the two. "Repel (the evil) with one which is better,"
means that when someone treats you badly, answer back
with something better, as `Umar (may Allaah be pleased
with him) said: "There is no better punishment for the
person who sinned by being bad to you, than your obeying
Allaah by being good to him in return." (Tafseer Ibn
Katheer).
A man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) and said: "O Messenger of Allaah, I
have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they
cut me off; I treat them well, but they treat me badly; I try
to be kind to them, but they are cruel to me." He said:
"If you are as you say, it is as if you are putting hot ashes
in their mouths. You will continue to have support
from Allaah against them so long as you continue doing
that." (Reported by Muslim, no. 2558)
Our advice to you, our sister, is to be tolerant
and forgiving. Follow your mother's advice. It is clear
from your question that this man has room to regret and
retract his bad actions. Allaah tells us (interpetation of
the meaning): " … whoever forgives and
makes reconciliation, his reward is due from
Allaah…"
[al-Shoora 42:40]
However, all of this does not prevent us from
protecting ourselves from the evil and harm that such relatives
may cause. If going to their houses, for example, will
cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship
can be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the
occasional gift a | 
